Do You Practice Conditional Love?

If you have kids, I'm sure you love them unconditionally. But let me ask you, do you love yourself unconditionally? Why do we still love your kids when they screw up, but we can't love ourselves when we screw up? Hey, I get it, I screw up plenty, and I the things I could say to myself wouldn't be allowed in an R rated movie. I just don't do it for as long as I used to.

Have you ever said to yourself or felt, "I will love myself when… " This is conditional self-love. You may not have said those actually words, but sometimes we certainly feel that way. Now if we have kids that we love unconditionally how ridiculous would it be for us to say we will love our kids when they start walking, or when they start riding a bike, or when they graduate from college magna cum laude. Pretty ridiculous right. But yet we do this to ourselves all the time. We say things like we will love ourselves when we lose 20 pounds, or when we get that promotion, or when we make a certain amount of money.

Or maybe we compare ourselves to others and say that we're not that great. We feel badly when we're focused exclusively on our faults.  It's one thing to focus on a fault with the intention of doing something about it but focusing on our faults with no intention just makes us feel badly about ourselves. How is that helping?

We can still appreciate ourselves and yet want more for ourselves. We can still want a better life, to do more things, have deeper relationships without beating ourself up everyday about the fact that you don't have it yet. That we should be much further along by now. 

Here are a few things to help if you are having trouble with this: 

Practice Gratitude
It is amazing how often this comes up about how to feel better about ourselves, our situation, and our circumstances. By finding something to be grateful for we are not only finding those things that make our life wonderful, but we are also training our brain to look for them. What we focus on expands. When we focus are what we lack, we will continue to find it. Same goes for things to be grateful for. When we search for those things, we will find them in great abundance. It might take a little practice, especially if we are used to only thinking about the negatives things in our life. However, a little practice will go a long way.

Forgive yourself
While this could be a whole subject to itself, it is important to understand what is actually happening when we blame ourselves for failing, or screwing up. We are typically not only thinking about this one situation, but also wounds from other times in our life when we didn't perform at our best.  Those bad feelings we keep revisiting consciously or subconsciously. We may need to take the time to examine and heal old wounds. Super important. Healing takes many forms and may require some outside help whether a coach, therapist, support groups or other depending on the type and severity of the wound. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage.

Accept Yourself For Where You Are Right Now
Wishing things were different does not make them so. Wishing we had made different decisions in the past, or if things went different in the past is a useless and painful exercise. Learning from our past is quite different. But that doesn't mean we have to stay where we are. We can move forward, we can learn, we can grow. The first step is to recognize where we are, and accept it. Only then can we move forward. If we want something better, decide what we want, then go after it. 

Don't Believe Everything You Think
Thought are just thoughts. The meaning we apply to those thoughts are only ours. It doesn't mean it's true. It is only our perspective and your meaning. Our inner critic may be the harshest critic of all. Don't let that critic keep us down and keep us playing small.

Stop The Comparisons
Comparisons are great way to feel terrible about ourselves. There will always be someone better, smarter, richer, and better looking. The only comparison that matters is compared to ourselves. "Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can." If we do our best, what else can we reasonably expect from ourselves?

Be Patient With Yourself
This is probably the hardest one for me. Having a sense of urgency is one thing, it helps us focus and do the work needed in a timely manner. But impatience is not helpful. Being impatient causes irritability and restlessness. Usually not a recipe for doing great work. If we need to lose 20 pounds sure we would all love to do in a weekend, but we probably shouldn't. In the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise wins every time. Deliberate and consistent effort will win every time. It just takes time. One thing that helps me is to think about where I was one year ago. How much progress have we made? What can we do today that we couldn't do one year ago? When we stop and acknowledge the progress that we have made already, we will find it a little easier to have a little patience for ourselves. 

Celebrate Yourself And Your Wins
It doesn't matter how small those wins may be or if anyone would even understand them. Somedays, just taking a shower is a win. Something as small as posting on social media which is a daily activity for some may be a huge win for someone else. I am not talking about giving ourselves a participation trophy. I am talking about celebrating something that we overcame, that made you stronger or better. 

Talk To Yourself Like You Are Someone You Care About
When we screw up we tend to say things to ourselves that we wouldn't let anyone else say to us. When we screw up or don't get the job done we know it. But if that was your child, would you think screaming at them is a best practice. When we are thinking about beating ourselves up, try this instead. Let's think of a role model of ours. What would that role model say to us? How would they try to help us through the situation? 

Find Something Fun Everyday
We sometimes take a lot on and it is easy to get overwhelmed with all the things we need to do, and get completed. When working on a task that is less than pleasant, find a way to make it fun. Find a way to turn it into a game. Can we get it done in a certain time limit? A few examples, set a timer and see if you can complete or at least how far you can get in that time limit. I used to do this a lot when cleaning up the kitchen when my kids were younger. "Let's see if we can get this done before mommy comes back from her errand." Or we can take a few moments and call someone, surprise someone, brighten someone's day. Let's find the enjoyment in life while we toil and work to improve our lives and our situation. It doesn't all have to be drudgery.